There are times in teaching when I feel like a failure.

The second to last week of school I cried in front of my students, tears streamed down my face and I didn't wipe them away. I read a book that means something to me and to them.  I didn't think about my job, instead I got caught in the moment. The book was raw with emotions and humor and I let myself feel them in front of everyone.

I shared my heart with my kids

When I cried, they didn't laugh, they stared at me with eyes of love and compassion.  They knew why these quotes were so meaningful to me.

And then, after class was over, I cried alone because I realized that this is what I missed this year.  Don't get me wrong, I was real with my students, I always am, but my heart didn't enter the classroom the way it has in the past, because I was guarded. Throughout this rough year, I lost a little of what brought me to this profession. I lost my ability to let myself be me in front of my students to the extent I am used to.

I began this school year on the defense. I had a parent who doubted and questioned everything I did, said, how I felt about their child, how I acted, and the way I taught. 

As a teacher, we face this often, but this was different. This parent stuck with me all year. This parent made me doubt myself as not only an educator, but as a person.

I feel like I've failed. I did my job; I taught the standards, graded essays, provided timely feedback, made parent communication, made meaningful student connections, and worked to make lessons relevant and substantial for my student population. But, in my mind it was never enough.

After 7 years teaching 8th grade I've decided to move to 6th grade. While this opportunity is exciting and I'm fortunate to look forward to a great team of 6th grade teachers, I can't help but feel like I'm quitting 8th grade.

I feel like I'm giving up... but in teaching, we don't give up.

I'm not running to an easier position, as each grade has their own difficulties, but I do feel like I'm running away from a position that I fell short of achieving.

I've blamed my rough year on; a difficult group of kids, being unable to balance work and my own three little ones, my long commute, and 8th grade behaviors that have gotten to me... but reality is I blame myself more than anything.

So, to parents who struggle with their child in the school system, please know that we cry and think about your kid all the time.  I know he/she is your baby and I know that their success and struggles are always on your mind, I'm a mom too... but I am also a teacher who cries on my car ride home and before I got to bed. I cry about your child's behavior, your child's struggles, how I'm going to best handle them the next day, and how I'm going to help them grow as a student and person. I take to heart all of your words, they not only change my actions in the class, but my life choices. Just as we would never want your child to feel like a failure, teachers never do their job expecting to fail or fall short.