To my first baby, on your fifth birthday.

To Beckett: On your upcoming 5th birthday.

With wonder in your eyes and a soul beyond your years, you follow your daddy around, learning and questioning everything. Watching you learn and hearing you understand something new is something I never knew could bring such joy to our lives. You were the first baby to kick in my belly and yours was the first heart beat that stopped time for your daddy and me.


While you are still our little boy, you grew up fast, so much faster than most. At 13 months you welcomed your first sibling and I asked you to "help mommy with the baby," yet you were still a baby yourself. And then, just after your 3rd birthday we welcomed your second sibling and you gained the responsibility of "playing with" your little brother while "mommy took care of baby sister," even though you had just mastered potty training. 

I know these events have shaped you into a person who takes such good care of others, but I can't help but worry that you were robbed time to just be our baby.  I'm sorry your time alone with daddy and me was short, but know that that one year alone with you, is a year in our memories and hearts forever. That was the year we learned we could be parents and knew we could do it again.

As you grow, I want you to know that you do not have to carry the weight of being the eldest sibling through life. Yes, you are the oldest, but that only means you were born first, not that you have to pave the way or set an example. Sure, setting a good example is always great, but don't let that dictate your life's decisions. Please don't fall victim to taking the safe route just because you don't want to disappoint.  Be brave, jump. 

I worry about you the most. I see a lot of myself in you, and I'm sorry if you have inherited my struggles. With two families littered with mental health issues, ranging from depression and alcoholism to bipolar and eating disorders, your mental health future is a terrible game of Russian Roulette. I see the anxiety on your face and feel the tension in your body when daddy is gone on business trips.  I hear your teeth grind at night.  I see in you, lots of things I dislike in myself; but you are only turning five! Please let me carry your weight and burdens.

I don't want you to lose your lovable little boy giggle too soon.

No matter what, know that you are resilient and strong.  You came into this world 6 weeks early and tore off every breathing device they tried to provide for you. The first words your daddy said to me after walking you down to the NICU were "He's so strong, he held my finger so tight the entire time." You were and are strong. You came home only a week after your birthday and weighing under 5lbs.

I'm sorry if you already feel life's pressures because you are the oldest and we often expect and ask so much of you, but I'm not sorry that you have two siblings who adore and look up to you. You are Brooks' hero and Eliza's night in shining armor. 

Pressure or not, mental health issues or not, you will be fine. 
I know this because being the oldest has not hindered your father, but propelled him to success. 
I know this because mental health has not broken me, but allowed me to be empathetic to others.
I know this because you are not your father nor your mother; you are Beckett and you are loved.

Happy Birthday Little Man.  Stay sweet, stay strong, and keep being you.