Exhaustion Waterfall

I remember being in grad school; student teaching during the day, classes at night, and going home to lesson plan until late. It was draining. Once, I woke and called in sick because I was physically and mentally exhausted.  I slept all day and through my classes.  It was an exhaustion I'd never known.

And then, I had a kid... and another... and another.

That mind numbing and life sucking exhaustion is now my life, a life I lead all while raising three kids and teaching 120 of them.

Newborns can be exhausting, especially if they like to party and drink it up all night. Toddlers keep you on your toes, you never quite know if they are discovering something new and exciting or something new and deadly. But the energy level of my children, hell the energy level of Brooks alone, knocks me down regularly.

Resting means shit is going to go down; limbs will be lost, glass will break, and the house will go up in flames, so we keep busy.  When one of us naps, the other has to work triple time, causing the exhaustion waterfall.

Exhaustion waterfall: When exhaustion rains down on you because your attempting to help your partner, who is already beyond exhausted, and then said exhaustion gets so heavy that it pours out of every aspect of your life and you're drowning in it. 

By Sunday, life had caught up to me.  Michael took the kids and let me sleep in until 10. (Normal rise and shine time is 5 a.m.) I headed downstairs fully charged and ready and then I found this...

What Waterfall Effect

Poor Michael, in his attempt to give me some relief, had succumbed to the kids kicking the crap out of him. Hard. He had been beaten. There are simply times when you can not stay awake, no matter how hard you try.  I tagged him out and told him to go upstairs to rest, assuming my rest would power me through the day, but one trip to Costco with the kids had me back at exhausted.

There is never enough sleep.

My mind is always racing and tracing the steps of my children. I wonder all the time if they are behaving, if they are polite.  I worry about their academic growth. Thoughts that I am not enough for them, or that I'm failing as a mom hurt my chest.

The mental exhaustion is just as bad as the physical.

Before you judge me for complaining about this beautiful miracle that it is to be a mother, know that I love it.  I love it very much... that is WHY I AM EXHAUSTED.

I love every belly kiss and nose to nose cuddle. I love worrying and dreaming about their futures. I love having movie nights in our bed because Michael and I can't keep our eyes open a second longer.

And what if we didn't have these little people that we define ourselves by, who would we be?

As we were rushing out the door this morning Beckett was crying, Eliza wailing, and Brooks was running around the house like a cruise director planning his evening events. Michael, the boy I fell in love with as he was playing high school football, and who was NOT known for his attention to detail or acknowledgment of emotions; calmly gave Beckett an extra kiss goodbye, cradled Eliza in his arms, helped Brooks decide on his snack, and then patiently sat and read to our little girl. On our way to school I got the boys doughnuts, a double espresso for myself, and we sang our favorite songs.

This is what parenting has done to us, it has turned us into people who can turn a bad start to a day around, people who can focus on others before themselves. It has opened Michael's heart in a way I never knew possible and caused me to realize that simple things can bring joy.  I don't know who we would be without our kids, but I love the people we have become with them.  Yes, we are exhausted, but we are also better.