The pumpkin patches you hope they won't miss...

Today, after dropping off the Traverse for maintenance issues we have been putting off for months, I rode with Michael back to his work and cried.

Not at first, at first I snapped and picked a fight. I passive aggressively mentioned problems "he's" caused recently, I acted completely offended that he suggest I "take it easy" even though he genuinely meant I relax,  and I then I sat there angrily scribbling in my creepy little personal notebook in silence... a sure tell sign for Michael that I'm about to lose it.

He took a deep breath "I'm not trying to fight. I don't want to fight, I just don't know what's wrong and if I don't know, I can't help.  I want to help."

TEARS. (from me, not Michael)

Ugly crying and deep gasps for air. (again... not Michael)

And everything that has been bothering me, but I'm ashamed to admit, came out in two and half minutes.  I wanted to this fall break to be perfect; 3 house projects, fun activity each day for the kids, dentist visits for all, enjoy my mom, get to soccer practices and games on time (5 total), clean the house, visit the two newest babies boys in my life, fall family photos, and on and on and on...

But, on top of ALL of this (horror of all horrors) I didn't schedule a pumpkin patch visit. End of the World? No. But from my current view of the World, threw the rose colored glasses of Facebook and Instagram; I'd failed them!

Michael paused and then spoke "We don't need to entertain our kids all the time, they are happy and loved. I never carved a pumpkin that we didn't grow on our farms. I never went to a pumpkin festival, maybe a cider mill for donuts, but all our pumpkins came from what we'd grown."

Sometimes, I hate when people point out the obvious to me and sometimes, it makes me love them even more. 

And Michael had grown pumpkins with our kids, all spring and summer they visited those pumpkins and watched them grow.  We picked those pumpkins and rolled them to our front porch.  Why hadn't I realized THIS was our tradition and this was just as important and memorable?

Fall break wasn't a bust; Grandma loved on our babies and made them homemade costumes, projects were complete, cuddles were had, everyone made it to their 6 month check ups, movies and snuggles occurred, we indulged in Casa Bonita, we made it on time(ish) to soccer practices, and  I even got to visit with friends.

It was a damn good break, but I let my high expectations of what I "should" get done and my view of other people's fun visits to the pumpkin patches cloud my vision.

Before typing this, I memory popped up on Facebook; it was the boys and me at the pumpkin patch 4 years ago... and just as I was about to say "You know what, we can make this work," I stopped myself and remembered that visit. 

The pictures are adorable, but the pumpkin photo at the top of the page.... the one with the white pumpkin, that little white pumpkin was for our future Eliza Jane. I distinctly recall that day; after spending hours in the heat with a 2.5 year old, a 1.5 year old and a 5 week old in my belly I came home and collapsed from exhaustion (and much like today) I cried. 

I cried because we'd planned too much and we were pushing ourselves too hard.
I cried, questioning whether we could handle three babies, or worse, what if I'd pushed myself too hard and risked the life of this little one???

I still have things on my to-do-list. 
I still kind of wish we could make the pumpkin festival work (it won't). 
My chest still tightens when I think that my kids didn't enjoy every second of every day of fall break.

But as Michael told me, I need to stop making "To-Do" lists and start making lists of all the things I accomplished.

Every parent wants their kids to have fond memories of their weekends, breaks, and overall childhood, but sometimes there just isn't enough time or energy to get to all the events and activities. Sometimes, life isn't picture perfect... sometimes it's just about making sure everyone is seen, heard, and loved.

This year we skipped the pumpkin patch and I genuinely hope my kids won't miss it too much. Next year we'll try again, or maybe we won't. If there is one thing I've learned today, it's that throwing out your to-do-list, building a fort in the living room with the kids, cathartically typing for 35 minutes as the kids watch toons, and accepting that what you've already accomplished is enough, is just as important as checking off every item on that list.