Both of these comments, are true.
From the outside looking in (i.e. Facebook/Instagram posts and photos) I'm relatively confident that our life looks pretty good; while mostly true, being with someone through those crazy teens/twenties/early thirties, is far from easy.
We fight like we're teenagers.
When I'm mad, I'm still that girl that, quite literally, kicked him out of my car on the edge of a cornfield and made him walk home... because, like 18 year old Megan, I don't want to deal with stuff when I'm so frustrated I could scream.
When we argue, Michael is still that 19 year old who lied about going to a strip club, but wouldn't admit that he did anything wrong... because, like 19 year old Michael, he can find justification and expects all to be forgiven with not explanation.
It's taken us a long time (as far as our relationship is concerned) to grow as better partners.
Neither Michael nor I experienced much dating beyond each other. We haven't had failed relationships where we learn from our mistakes, rather, we've powered through these mistakes and accepted them as character flaws. While this can be good, it also has its downsides.
It took until our 30s, 12 years into our relationship together, for me to learn that issues between us are best to think on and discuss at a later date, rather than losing my shit in the moment. For Michael, he's just now learning the significance of me feeling loved and needed.
It's not like we had a world wind encounter in high school, the "romance" that started this whole thing, was a campfire after a football game and a couple of Busch lights. The relationship began because, senior year I thought the running back was cute (and his best friend was dating my best friend), so I decided we should date, and we did.
Things find a way of working out and people find their way to others that bring out the best in them.
We've changed and changed and changed
When I've been asked, what's been difficult about dating my high school boyfriend? I answer that: We aren't the same kids we were in high school, the two that dated in college, the ones who lived outside Philly for a bit, those crazies who packed it up and headed to CO, the couple that decided to have babies, or even the two that decided to have a third. We have changed over and over again. Lucky for us, we've change together and in the same direction.
And in those times of change, there have been moments that confirm we are on the right path; like when our little Lizie was born with a liver that wasn't functioning and the doctors spent close to 3 weeks trying to come up with an answer. Michael, who had just started a new job, was there every second of every minute to talk to the doctors and ask the difficult questions. Michael was there as our 6lb baby was loaded up in flight for life and sent across town to doctors who could hopefully help her. Michael was strong when I couldn't be.
And when, 2 days after Beckett was born 6 weeks premature, Michael went through (to date) the greatest loss in his family. I stayed with our little man on oxygen and feeding tubes, so that Michael could be with the family that needed him.
In times of need, we always show up.
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| The night before Eliza was transferred, Michael held and walked her for hours in the hospital |
Our big struggle these days: Learning to find time for each other. For a couple that has been together for 16 years, 11 without kids, it's difficult to put ourselves first over our family.
I love the idea that you should "always date your spouse," really I do, but guess what? That isn't always a possibility. We live 1300 miles from our families and we have 3 kids. Sitters and childcare are expensive, so expendable income is tough to find.
Should we find a way to date, maybe, but when it comes to spending money; we choose our kids. We choose skiing in the mountains, soccer teams and private swim lessons, traveling throughout the summer, and flying to Michigan and Texas. When money is tight we choose to spend it on our family.
I know that, without Michael and me, this family doesn't work, that we should be a priority. But, maybe this is just part of this phase in our marriage. We love each other, we have since we were 18, so hopefully, the time we spent working on us and growing as one can help us through these crazy times of babies, bills, and little alone time.
As much as we've grown and changed and learned, our teenage selves still creep in.
Last week Michael was on a 4 night trip. The day before he left we argued, not loud or in front of the kids, but teenage Michael came out with words that cut me to my core and teenage Megan came out full of pride and passive aggressiveness . We didn't speak his entire trip.
We go to bed mad.
We travel apart from each other mad.
We leave for work mad.
But mad, is NOT, not loving someone.
The love, is always there.
We keep going, because we know we are there... somewhere.
This past September marked 10 years of marriage and we were finally able to spend a few nights way together, for the first time in over 5 years. And, for those few days, everything was perfect. A few weeks later though, reality sets in again and those two high-schoolers in love, that young married couple in love, and the fun loving anniversary goers in love, can feel like a distant memory.
But, we are there; sometimes hidden behind bills, dishes, kids, and dirty laundry, we are there.
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| Honeymooners... |
